Believe - In yourself if not anything.

Faith, action, truth, and patience. This one might just get a little philosophical. Hmm... I'm still thinking on how to jump into this blog, and while I'm hotwiring my brain to work (please picture me sitting inside my head holding two ends of neurons and smushing them together like spark plugs), let's start with some background. For those who know and those who don't, I grew up in Mumbai. A charming stupidly humid city with a whole lotta crowds and HONKing traffic but with some of the most beautiful monsoon weather in the whole world. Tots not listening to rain while writing this :P

Ugh... I miss my city so much :( But back on track! I grew up with an Islamic background which was nothing short of amazing. Fortunate to have such a strong cultural identity and a rich ecosystem full of support, you will find it a bit surprising that I didn't turn out to be someone too invested in religion until my super epic return to it earlier this year. But even tho I lived most of my life as someone who always doubted everything, that doesn't mean I didn't absorb and internalize all the teachings and mannerisms - I just didn't know it was all so... Interconnected? Yea I was serious when I said this blog might be one of those philosophical ones. Although credit where credit is due, a big part of all these good values instilled into my system was also cause of my parents.

Now, I was someone who would rarely, almost never intentionally pray unless explicitly instructed to. And this went on for years, my mom knows that I would always run away from learning the theory and technical bits of my culture no matter how much she tried. I just never really cared honestly. And deep down a part of me regrets it cause once you're older it's so much harder to learn new things, especially languages and stuff. I wish I fully committed to learning how to read and write Arabic when I had the chance, how cool would that have been? If only little me could've known that he would've end up becoming a designer and artist someday who could've used that skillset today. Could've, would've, should'ved. Anyway, naughty little me was a little manipulative too btw >:) I once threatened to jump out the window all so that I could spook away my maulana teaching me how to read the Quran. I even did this to my poor Hindi teacher too T_T and I wouldn't have stopped this maniacal habit until my brother thankfully slapped some sense into me. I would've slapped my younger self too if I could - the devious little shit I was. What's funny is that I'm observing all these crafty little tactics employed to get your way around adults via manipulation being used by my little nephew, imagine. And that makes me wonder if as children, the little bit of brain growth we experience and the superior knowledge of the tiny bubble a.k.a our home and neighborhood give us the confidence to think we're possibly smarter than the adults? Hahaha, I think I understand the genius behind DreamWorks Boss Baby now. Someone must've had this same exact thought but pushed it into realms of "what if it were real?"

Well, anyway. Back to the story. All this cultural evading continued well into my teens until I became old enough to encounter other kids my age and younger who knew all the rules and religious to-do's that I started feeling very embarrassed and conscious about not knowing anything properly since it was "expected" of me to know by now. I started running away from the guilt of it all and I think that plus my fascination with western culture or curiosity about the freedom of choices people of other cultures and religions had led me even more astray from Islam. It reached a scary point where I completely stopped believing for a few years and it really felt like I was having to pretend or live a double life around people who didn't know I had strayed so SO far away. I think I was in the most selfish and pompous era of my life during this time. I felt the most conflicted and confused about religion during this time too. Because on one hand, even tho I didn't fully believe, I was firmly rooted in the fundamental lessons of Islam and its way of life. And those have always been a part of my core values and beliefs, I've never strayed from it. Hence, I was in this weird, conflicted state of "Make up your damn mind Adeeb!". You should've seen how I squirm whenever I answered someone who asked me about my religion or whether I was religious or not. Like by the time I'm done answering, that person is left more confused with ten new follow up questions :P

As I grew older, somewhere I started to realize that I was lying to myself. This was also around the time I was dedicating and anchoring myself to my craft. So naturally, this religious war I was on with myself fell on the back burner for quite some time. I just didn't have the capacity to care plus I just accepted by that point, it was too late, and it is what it is. This whole story sounds really sad but here's the part where things started to change. Almost like magic.

Naturally entering my 20s, life suddenly started to expand rapidly. I encountered all sorts of people, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything. New never before experienced problems were afoot and I had to figure out how to scale seemingly insurmountable mountains. A whole lotta bubbles popped in my understanding of the world. I swear there were days I was just blinking my eyes in disbelief of some things casually taking place before I could even begin processing what was happening. I was maturing without realizing. Thankfully, I never let anything hurt my core values during this process although a ton of pain in context to work, friendships, and various worldly affairs made me realize how very naive I was. And through scattered events across uneven spots of time, something was resonating deep within, but I was scared to peek inside. Like when you think you heard a knock on your door late at night but you're unsure and now you're hesitating to check since there isn't enough evidence or reason to. But now you're paying attention if someone is knocking but nothing happens, so you return to your business. Until you hear it again. And now you find yourself standing at the corridor in the dead of night just a few meters from the door, really paying attention - hunched over, eyes fixated, sweat trickling down and all. Waiting while doubting whether you're crazy or not.

This is how I felt. Something was calling me, but I wasn't sure what nor was I able to identify it. Suspenseful right? Awesome spot for a cliffhanger. Don't worry, I'm not that mean, yet. Before things became really evident, there were phases first where I found myself weaving back and forth my religion, unsure and still full of doubt. That might've been because I was scared, I didn't know the full script of prayers and there were several faults in the few moments I did choose to pray namaz. I was too embarrassed to even ask out of fear of judgment, and I think that is what made it really difficult. I really felt like a fake Muslim pretending to be religious for so long it's pretty funny. Although there was a part of me that was still very fascinated by the stories and teachings of my culture, it was a messy situation. I didn't happen to make a lot of Muslim friends growing up too so that didn't help either. Some more time passed and then came my plans of pursuing my master's which brought me to Chicago.

What's strange and immediately struck me was, in Chicago, I was exposed to my culture far more than back home in Mumbai. All my flat mates I rented an apartment with ended up being Muslims. I had the support of my brother and his family too who live and work in Chicago. I even made friends who were pretty religious about their own cultures and values. All of this will come in handy later, however, initially nothing really changed. I was focused completely on my craft but in the one year that has gone by, I encountered people and situations that really tested me and scrambled me. It was in these moments where the knocking became the loudest. Wanna know what the incriminating evidence was? I was lousing away at my brother's couch during one of my weekly visits during a time I was really feeling like shit. My trust had been absolutely vanquished, and my sense of self-worth was at the lowest it had ever been. I was confused and hurt by how misunderstood I felt by... Yea, it was a total plane crashing "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We're going DAA-aooown!" with a dramatic violinist going ham in the background type situation. For the first time I felt an internal desire to pray. Why all of a sudden? Don't know to this day yet I doubted it harshly. It was 5 AM and I was tempted but super hesitant to pray the morning Fajr namaz. Right at the moment of doubt casually walks out my brother, ready to leave for work and all he says is, "Adeeb, read Fajr." nothing more, nothing less, and just like that he leaves the house locking the door behind him. Now I don't know about you but coincidence or not this timing was impeccably insane! And so, for the first time, I bravely flung open the door to investigate all the knocking. Obviously, nobody was there. The passageway was empty however I did feel a presence and it was oddly peaceful and comforting.

I immediately got up and made Wudhu and slapped down a prayer mat. All of this occurred during the holy month of Ramzan too which made it even more miraculous, in my books at least. Believe it or not I for what seems like the first time in my whole life prayed with all my heart. The kind of prayers made by holding your gut tight and your voice emanating from deep within your soul. When I think back to that moment, it seems like I was praying out of anger, desperation, and pain. Honestly, I was kinda complaining really. Screaming in my warzone mind asking "WHYYyyyy??!". After my full-fledged venting session, everything strangely felt really good. Peace overwhelmed me and it was in that moment my faith was truly reborn. In my Dua (the ask after the prayer), I begged to Allah to make me stronger, to make me disciplined enough to never let anything stray me away from my core values because I really liked the person I am and hated feeling spiteful and bitter about some things I shall not dive into. I prayed for protection and guidance as a last resort and surrender. The exact thoughts running down my mind were "Allah if you're really there, please prove it and address my duas." LMAO, like really? C'mon! Did I really ask for more proof? I seriously still had so much doubt it's crazy now that I think about it.

They always say, "God works in mysterious ways"... yea I believe that line now. After this highlight moment of my life, my curiosity about my own religion grew so much that within a week I nearly perfected my faulty namaz and even started learning the meaning of specific words and teachings in Islam all by myself. It was unreal. Turns out what I might've experienced was this concept called Hidayah which in Arabic means guidance. I think I literally received Hidayah from Allah which feels like magic almost. For the rest of Ramzan and some weeks after that, I consistently managed to read all five namaz daily plus started reading Tahajjud which is really HUGE. For a week or two I really thought "Am I faking this? Am I doing it for show or have I really started praying?" I was in total disbelief. Even mom was so shocked hahaha. I bet her heart was vibrating with happiness the day I told her about all this since she has been someone constantly throughout my life been begging me to pray and be religious and stuff.

Now, did those duas I begged Allah for get answered? Yes, but in the most unconventional of ways and it took some time for me to even fathom what the heck was really happening. I was actually pretty pissed but it was hard to stay mad after realizing that my prayers had been answered. There's another concept called Sabak which means lesson. Now through these sabaks I learnt how to be stronger. I annoyingly realized that these sabaks would keep repeating themselves until I figured out what they were trying to teach me. Unfortunately, some of these sabaks also were taught through pain, which sucks, but I get it now. But over the next few months, my eyes started looking at the bigger picture, the underlying lessons and everything in between. It felt like a superpower and with that kind of wisdom came a whole lotta strength. I wasn't kidding when I said my duas were answered through the most unconventional of ways.

I can go on and on about all the beautiful little realizations but this blog would never end. So, to summarize and bite down at the most valuable concepts I adopted into my system. Sab'r and Tawakkul became something I firmly believe in today and live my life by it along with letting go of my attachment to people and things which I explained in the prior post. So, let's break it down. Sab'r means patience, patience in all forms, like the highest kind of patience that exists by definition. Sab'r kicks in when you're overwhelmed with emotions, longing for something, unsure about something. Kinda like thinking twice before you act. Tawakkul on the other hand means faith, faith in Allah that whatever happens, happens for good reasons. Often reasons you're unaware of. It basically means, do the honest hard work and leave the rest up to God. This one is cool because it really takes away all that stress and performance pressure. This feels funny to say but my brain feels so much lighter lately, cause even if I am worried about something, I remind myself about these lessons that so graciously work hand in hand with one another. And suddenly, all is well - A repeat quote from the Hindi film "3 Idiots". It finally makes sense to me.

All these lessons helped me tremendously believe in myself again. My sense of self-worth has been restored beyond the limits of what it originally was, and confidence naturally returned. This was just my fascinating story about how I started to believe. It's different for everyone. The reason behind this blogpost was to highlight how important it is to believe in something. It doesn't necessarily have to be religious in nature, you can believe in yourself too! Just remember...

Truth, action, faith, and patience.

Thanks for reading :) More blogs coming soon, I have some fancy topics and stories planned.

P.S. These blogs do be getting really long and I apologize for the brash and lousy conclusion; I have a whole nother script to write and too many things left to draw plus a ton of modded Minecraft to play :P